Made in Canada
President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded! " the American President cried, "My people 's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! " "Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt 'ing wit 'in der power to 'help you, " replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help, " said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over? " "Certainment! I get right on it! " said Chretien. "Oh, and one more small favor, please? " said Clinton. "Oui? " "Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10 " long and 4 " in diameter? " said Clinton. "No problem, " replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica. " "Consider it done, " said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10 " long and 4 " in diameter. " "Easily done. Anything else? " "Yah, " said the Prime Minister, "an ' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM ' on each one. "

Iraqi tv-guide
Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it 's Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq 's Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica 's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed 's Creek9:30 No-witness News

Russian War College
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three? " "Yes, comrades, looks like you will, " answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General? " another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China. " The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win? " "Well, " replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time. " "But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews "?

Taliban Tank
How do you stop a taliban tank ?Shoot the Guy Pushing it

George W. Bush at a press conference
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father. " "That notion is ridiculous! " mocked George Jr. "It doesn 't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once! "

Campaign Slogans for George W
1. I 'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 3. I 'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 7. New penal plan: I won 't use mine!8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

George W - College Days
George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems. "Dubya, " said his PR guy, "We 've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college. " "It 's true, " replied Bush, "but it isn 't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose. "

Abortion Bill
Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill? Ah thought ah paid it!

Hillary and Bill at baseball game
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President 's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch. "

Family Jewels
Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman. The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off. At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles. Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams ' but were unable to reattach them.

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You 're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn 't that sound a lot like a B-52? " Ask him if he 's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan 's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino 's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven 't seen "Sex and the City " for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD 's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he 'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots ". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you 'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity. " Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden. " Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it 's lovely what he 's done with his cave, but that it 'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter 's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn 't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you 've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik 's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk " if there 's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he 's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd " Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass! " Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who 's having a baby on "Friends. " Warn him that you 're "in a New York state of mind. " Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they 've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles? " just in case he 'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie " or a "wedgie. " If there 's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie ".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands " and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing " in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom! "copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss

Bush 's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy. " "Well, " one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy! " The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try? " A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone! " The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn 't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy? " A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy! " "Very good, " he said. "And what was your reason for that answer? " "Well, " she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss! "

Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won 't miss a call from someone we didn 't want to talk to in the first place.8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics ' to describe the process so well: Poli ' in Latin meaning 'many ' and 'tics ' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures '.10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Genie and the Taliban
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That 's three wishes total, " saidthe genie. The Canadian said, "I 'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. " With a blink of the genie 's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state. " Again, with a blink of the genie 's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. George W. Bush, said, "I 'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall. " The Genie explains, "Well, it 's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it 's virtually impenetrable. " George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water. "

What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T. 's
Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T. 's? A. Drool.

Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There 's one thing I want you to know. There 's a box under my bed, and I don 't want you to look in it until I die. " Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I 've cheated on you. " Hillary said, "Well, that 's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all. " She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars? " Bill replied, "That 's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in. "

The 10 Commandments in Ebonics
1. I be God. Don ' be dissin me. 2. Don ' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don ' be callin me for no reason - homey don ' play dat.4. Y 'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don ' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don ' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don ' be liftin no goods. 9. Don ' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don ' be eyein ' ya homie 's crib, ride, or nothin.

Jesus 's Ethnicity
Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:1. He went into his father 's business.2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.Proof That Jesus Was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was bilingual.3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.Proof That Jesus Was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion and finallyProof that Jesus Was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn 't get a fair trial.

I want to become a politician
I want to become a politician when I grow up so I 've made a list of skills I want to aquire, butI 've only come up with one: Lying.

Weapons of Mass Destruction
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? "Pres says: "You think we 're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!! "

Stupid Funny Quotes
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. " --President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts... "--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society 's recognition of the sanctity of human life. "--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. "--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements. "--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist "--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman '. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. "--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing ' too broad. "--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing ' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life ' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 "This is a great day for France! "--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle 's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected. "--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It 's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host. "--James Baker, televangelist. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated. "--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police. "--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. "What he does on his own time is up to him. "--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. "Facts are stupid things. "--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

140 Million Iraqis and 1 Blonde
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn 't that Bush and Powell sitting over there? "The barman says, "Yep, that 's them. "So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here? "Bush says, "We 're planning WW III ".And the guy says, "Really? What 's going to happen? "Bush says, "Well, we 're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits. "The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? " "Why kill a blonde with big tits? "Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis! "

Lying Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer 's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? "The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren 't, but you know how them politicians lie. "

New Ruling
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmasseason.This isn 't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation 's capitol.There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Chief wants beer!
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager! "The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up. " He then serves the Indian atall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer! "The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we 're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that allabout, anyway? " he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, thencome back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind..... "

Osama Bin Laden joke
Why did Osama Bin Laden killwife number 37?Because he looked up her dressand saw bush...

Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig
One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate. "What happened?! " asked Bill. "I ran over a pig, " replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified. "Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their 's. " So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours. Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been. "Do you know how long you 've been gone?! What happened up there? " he asked. The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party. " Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why? " The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig. "