» Men Jokes

82 year old man
An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

If Men made the Rules
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. 2. If you don 't want to dress like Victoria 's Secret, girls, don 't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. 5. Let us ogle. If we don 't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? 6. Don 't rub the lamp if you don 't want the genie to come out. 7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.9. Christopher Columbus didn 't need directions and neither do we. 10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.11. When we 're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit " is not necessary.12. Don 't fake it. We 'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

The 2 P 's
What 's the difference between a penis and a prick?A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.

Women vs. Dogs
Q: What 's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?A: If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.

New scientific element : MAN
Element Name: MANSymbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Ears lookin at you!
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me? " The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man! " So the boss yells, "Get out! " The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me? " The guy says, "That 's easy, you got no ears! " So the boss says, "Get out! " As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don 't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it. " So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me? " The guy says, "Your wearing contacts! "And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know? " So the guy replies, "Well darn, you can 't wear glasses cause you ain 't got no ears. "

About last night
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise, " he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? " "Even worse, " she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face. " "He 's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him! " "You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you. " "Well, screw him, " said John. "I did, said Louise, "You 're back at work on Monday. "

Men and blondes
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.

Men at 35..
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

Black widow spiders
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

men chasing women
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

what men hear when women speak
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C 'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you 'll have no clothes to wear, if we don 't do laundry right now! "What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C 'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now !

why
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?Because if they all went it would be hell!
50-50 relationship
What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!

blonde
Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?So men can understand them!

sperm
Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?Because men won 't stop for directions!

Men say the smartest things when...
Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with "A woman once told me... "

Sewage, Oh no
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home 's sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was thebest laugh he 'd ever had.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I 've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it 's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don 't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It 's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there 's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4 ' ' bigger. 13. It 's ok, we 'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there 's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it 'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn 't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won 't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don 't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn 't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it 's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I 'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It 's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you 're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where 's the rest of it?

Men Are Like Toilets..
Men are like toilets -- either they 're taken, or full of crap!

Men Don 't Like Safe Sex
What is a man 's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. " Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. " Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren 't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don 't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. "

what would happen if your dog 's...
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog 's name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I 'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I 'm sorry, Officer. I didn 't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn 't come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won 't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he 's sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can 't find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you 'll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man 's best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He 's carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There 's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I 've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I 'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

All Aboard
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we 're going down the tracks. "The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don 't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. "Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. "She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. "

Gonna Get Lucky
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well, " he said, "I 've been seeing this girl for a while and she 's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight 's "the night ". "We 're having dinner with her parents, and then we 're going out. And I 've got a feeling I 'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she 's had me, she 'll want me all the time, so you 'd better give me the 12 pack. "The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person. "He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist. "

seconds to live
Man walks into the Doctors office. "I have the results of your test and I 'm afraid your going to die " Says the Doctor. The Man asks "How long do I have to live? " "Ten ", replies the Doctor. "What the hell does that mean ", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What? " The Doctor Replies "Nine "

Friends
Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

The Wrong Way
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife 's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there 's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful! " "It 's not just one car, " said Herman, "It 's hundreds of them! "