» Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.''

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense''s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn''t!"

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher''s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn''t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn''t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the t rain went through your ranch that morning. I didn''t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I''ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

The bartender asks him "What''ll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That''ll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don''t owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he''s got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender''s not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don''t ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can''t believe you''ve got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I''ve never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I''m nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."