Blind Pilots
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots ' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they 're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they 're going to scream too late, and we 're all gonna die. . . "

Fire Truck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman 's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing? " The little girl says "I 'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck! " The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck! " the fireman says. "Thanks mister " says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl ", says the fireman, "I don 't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog 's neck I think you could go faster. " The little girl says, "You 're probably right mister, but then I wouldn 't have a siren! '

Mirror cross the road
Why did the mirror cross the road?To see itself!!

Today is my daughter 's 18th birthday...
I 'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother 's house and tell her that this is the last check she 's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that 's on her face. " So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say? " "She told me to tell you that you ain 't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.

Underwear is Important!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Top 10 Reasons Why Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven 't been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials " 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don 't normally buy ... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ... 1. At some point you know you 're going to have a tree in your house!
How to Get A Good Night Sleep
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You 've got to have a room somewhere " he pleaded. " -- Or just a bed - I don 't care where. " "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, " admitted the manager, " and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I 'm not sure it 'd be worth it to you. " "No problem, " the tired travelers assured him. "I 'll take it. " The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How 'd you sleep? " asked the manager. "Never better. " The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then? " "Nope, I shut him up in no time " said Dave. "How 'd you manage that? " asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, " Dave explained. " I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful, ' and he sat up all night watching me. "

Welfare
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I 'd really rather have a job. " The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You 'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he 'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You 'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You 'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year. " The guy says, "You 're bullshitting me! " The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it. "

Do you like my new jacket?
Do you like my new jacket?It 's great. Shame your body doesn 't suit it, though.

never forget a face
I never forget a face!But in your case I 'll make an exception!

face like a million dollars
You 've a face like a million dollars.All green and wrinkled!

trip from beauty parlor
I 've just come back from the beauty parlor!What a pity it was closed!

pretty little head
She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it 's pretty little.

yesterday 's coffee
She 's like yesterday 's coffee -- a little weak in the bean.

own mind
He says he has a mind of his own. He 's welcome to it-- who else would want it?

bone specialist
He should study to be a bone specialist -- he has the head for it.

his mind
He has one of those mighty minds -- mighty empty. He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light

insults part 1
He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very light. He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and found out he was the sap. There are times he has something on his mind -- he wears a hat occasionally. His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood. The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he can rack his brains. If you want the real dope about anything, go to the real dope -- HIM! He bought a topless bathing suit for his half-sister. A traffic judge asked him, "Have you ever been up before me? " And he said, "I don 't know, what time do you get up? " Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn 't help her up. His mother warned him against having anything to do with fallen women. He 's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn 't know what to feed them. He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game, because he heard the Lions were playing the Tigers. He called it quits when his fourth child was born, because he read that every fifth child born is Chinese! He won 't let his daughter go to college because he heard that the students have to show their professors their thesis. The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party, he asked who the caterer was. When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for a sandwich? " he said "Let 's see the sandwich. "

insults part 2
He 's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat. He 's never slept with his wife. He says it isn 't honorable to sleep with a married woman. He 's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a British T.V. station. He 's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are appointed by the Pope. He lost his dog, but he won 't put an ad in the newspaper. He says it 's no use -- his dog can 't read. He still hasn 't bought an electric toothbrush. He doesn 't know if his teeth are AC or DC. He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard someone say, "Let 's grab his seat when he gets off. " He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every twenty minutes. He said, "What a glutton for punishment, that guy! "

Fireplace
You 're so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, "Oh! who turned off the fireplace "!!!

family vehicle
your family is so poor.......... the family vehicle is a skateboard.

What 's that thing on your Neck?
Oh my God!!! What 's that big ugly thing on your neck?! Oh, it 's just your head.

Whoa! Shut your mouth!!!
Your breath is so bad that when you talk your teeth duck.

you are so stupid...
You are so stupid that you flunked special-ed

Moving
I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

Your Family Is So Poor
Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, ìHey, who turned off the heater!

Your Dad 's Like Cement
You dad 's like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!

Knock, Knock... George Washington
Knock, knock! Who 's there? George Washington! George Washington who? George Washington who? Didn 't you learn anything in history class?

Yo Family Is So Poor...
Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped on a roachand your whole family came out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got meat! "

You 're so stupid... Police
You 're so stupid that when police tell you that you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.

grammar correction
A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y 'all from? " The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. " The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y 'all from, bitch? "