Motherinlaw 's Funeral
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

What 's on your back?
A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping? "The German responds, "I will take oil! " So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back? " "I will take nothing! " says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back? " the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I 'll take the Mexican. "

Jump out of the plane!
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We 're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive. "The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen, " and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France, " and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo, " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

irish ... light bulb joke
How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

a nerd, a nude, and a bike
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike? "The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want! ' "The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn 't have fit. "

Death becomes nerd
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! " He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living? " The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I 'm hauling. " The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds, " and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that? " The bartender said, "Oh, don 't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don 't even need a license. " So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can 't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What 's wrong? I thought nerds were in season. " "Sure, " said the patrolman, "But you can 't bait 'em. "

10 Signs Your Amish Teen 's In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss " makeup.7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh! "6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy. "5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I 'd listen to disco!. "4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain 't listening. "2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese. "1. He 's wearing his big black hat backwards.

You Know You 're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven 't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You 're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that "Bachelor " is a nicer term for a jackass.14. "Extended childhood " only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. "Twenty-something " means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren 't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don 't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don 't know what time Wendy 's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Accountants and Engineers on a Train
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an accountant. "Watch and you 'll see, " answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don 't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket? " says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you 'll see, " answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please. "');

You know you drink too much coffee when...
1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.2. You chew on your roommate 's fingernails. 3. You can jump-start your car without cables. 4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it 's not plugged in. 5. You can 't remember your second cup. 6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug. 7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house. 8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 9. You don 't sweat -- you percolate. 10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way. " Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people 's backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go. " Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter 's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies " over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that? " "What? " "Never mind, it 's gone now. " Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone 's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog. " Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "That 's what YOU think. " Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot ". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don 't want to fall off "in case the big one comes ". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers ' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it 's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you 've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface " with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing. " Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter! " Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn 't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles. "Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture ". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you 'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles " in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person 's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people 's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between College And Hell
10. It doesn 't snow in Hell.9. Everyone has heard of Hell.8. It 's more fun getting into Hell.7. You can 't fail out of Hell.6. At least you can sleep in Hell.5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.4. People smile in Hell.3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.2. You know there are hot men in Hell.1. You wouldn 't tell a friend to go to college.

45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn 't know I had one of THOSE! "2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor 's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. " Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It 's a Small World After All. "7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it " and ask them "Not to give in to sin ". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn 't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch ". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum! " in your best groggy voice.14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh ", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch " for all to see.15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch ", complaining about the quality of water these days.18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm ", making the sound of their animal in the stall.19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don 't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn 't give them the right to spread it.22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean? "25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at peopleusing the toilet stalls.33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to thefloor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Threedays later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon eaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.Be cocky.35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm! " sound, and thenannounce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind oftastes like head cheese.36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.37. Steal everyone 's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown " signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.40. Stare at people 's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I 'm coming for you, Moby! ". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they 'll pay.43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP! "4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It 's a Small World " incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there? "9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming! "13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink " at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I 've got new socks on! "18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness! "19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go " then sigh and say "oops! "23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb " while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away! " whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head " on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You 're one of THEM! " and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty! "29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through " it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper? "34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding! " at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do " and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space. "41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf? "43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body. "46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs " and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it 's getting larger. "50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! "

Proof That Santa Doesn 't Exist - For Nerds!
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa 's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can 't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth 's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g 's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he 's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

....olympics
Why isn 't Mexico in the olympics?...Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..
Whats the diffrence', 'whats the differance between a camera and a sock???A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes...

A Son 's Love
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN 'S SAKE Dad, don 't dig up that garden, that 's where I buried the Money! "At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.His son 's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It 's the best I could do from here. "

Chinese and Spielberg
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese peoplebombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here. " The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese ". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same, " replied Spielberg.In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. " Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me. " The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you 're all the same. "

You 're so dumb...
You 're so dumb, you stare at an orange juice can just because it says concentrate.

Bigfoot
Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot?He couldn 't face defeet!!

Had too much Christmas cheer?
1. You know you have if you... notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad. 8. You hear a duck quacking, and it 's you. 9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party 's at your place. 12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you 're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 17. You realize you 're the only one under the coffee table.

Final Examination
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You 're a free man. Just tell me why didn 't you jump? " asked the doctor.To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can 't swim! "

Did you ever wonder?
Can you cry under water?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?If money doesn 't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?Why do you have to "put your two cents in "...but it 's only a "penny for your thoughts "? Where 's that extra penny going to?Once you 're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?Why does a round pizza come in a square box?What did cured ham actually have?How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They 're going to see you naked anyway.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?Why is "bra " singular and "panties " plural?

God vs Satan
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald 's, and McDonald 's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that? ", and Man said, "Super size them. "And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. "And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.And Woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. "And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.And Man gained pounds.And God said, "You 're running up the score, Devil. "And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw that and said, "It is good. "And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And Satan created private health insurance ....

Math
Why is math always sad?Because it has too many problems.

The Cow and the Chicken
So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes... Baak!Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?!) LOLAnd... LOL...the chicken goes ...LOL...Moo!LOL(why would a chicken say moo!?!) ....