Proffessional Acquantance
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc. " and kept right on going.After a moment 's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don 't worry dear, that 's just a young lady I knowprofessionally. "Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ? "

Returning from her vacation...
Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. "But you just had two weeks off, " said the boss. "Why didn 't you get married then ? " "What and ruin my vacation ? " she whined.

Not so fast!
Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first. "

Why I Fired My Secretary
Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I 'm another year older, " but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear. " All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn 't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing 'Happy Birthday ' and have a nice gift for me. " There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I 'm late! Where is my coat? I 'm going tomiss the bus! " Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss. " She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Sinceit 's your birthday, why don 't we have lunch together? " Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, "That 's a good idea. " So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, "Why don 't we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place? " So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don 'twe go to my place, and I will fix you another martini. " It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn 't have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable, " and sheleft the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat withnothing on but my socks.

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver...
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor! " On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor, " until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. "Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab. "

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning...
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn 't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss ", he said, "The pill actually worked! " "That 's all fine " said the boss, "But where were you yesterday? "

God Meets Bureaucracy
God Meets BureaucracyIn the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was facedwith a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impactstatement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but wasstymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing atthe hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the firstplace. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light. " Officials immediately demanded toknow how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What aboutthermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ballof fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assumingthat no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain abuilding permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half thetime. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day " and the darkness "Night. " Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed. "The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let watersbring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly overthe earth. " Officials pointed out this would require approval from theDepartment of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation andthe Audubongelic Society.Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in sixdays. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review theapplication and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...At this point God created Hell.

Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you. "THIS MEANS:1. He doesn 't feel the way he usually does.2. He is not in complete control of his hands.3. His emotions are shattered.4. His skin is numb.5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.8. He is in an isolation tank.9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn 't come up with an actual illness to fake.10. He is feeling others.:)

The boss called one of his employees into the office...
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob, " he said, "you 've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it 's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that? " "Thanks, " said the employee. "Thanks? " the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say? " "I suppose not, " the employee said. "Thanks, Dad. "

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day...
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. " "But I 'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I 'm sorry. I didn 't know that, " said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I 'll show you how. "

Smart decision
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I 'd better run too! "

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste...
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers ' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That 's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can 't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I 'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

I am looking for a job as a consultant...
Job Applicant: "I 'm looking for a job as a consultant. "Employer: "I 'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants. "Applicant: "That 's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor. "Employer: "More than we can use already. "Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I 'm not proud, I can dopaperwork, I 'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I 'll start as a janitor. "Employer: "It just doesn 't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications. "Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I 'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk! "Employer: "Well, you didn 't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening. "

So my sister, a natural blond...
So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

A man was being interviewed for a job...
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service? " ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine, " responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty? " "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability. " "May I ask what happened? " "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles. " "You 're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am. " "When does everyone else start? I don 't want any preferential treatment because of my disability. " "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first. "

How Shit Happens
How Shit HappensIn the Beginning was The PlanAnd then came the AssumptionsAnd the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substanceAnd the darkness was upon the face of the WorkersAnd the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh. "And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof. "And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it. "And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength. "And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong. "And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful. "And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular. "And the President looked upon The Plan,And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.And this is how Shit Happens.

Tactfullness
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company 's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much. ", said the nun. "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade. ", said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel ' ".

Reaching the end of a job interview...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person askeda young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were youlooking for? "The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, dependingon the benefits package. "The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, companymatching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leasedevery 2 years - say, a red Corvette? "The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding? "And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it. "

Why you should learn to use algebra . . .
Why you should learn to use algebra . . . After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can bereached of the secret to wealth and success.Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we 've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardlessof the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for thereader.

Not that my wife is the jealous type or anything, but one day at work...
Not that my wife 's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I 'm so happy to meet you. I 'm your husband 's new secretary. "Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ??? "

A customer sent an order to a distributor...
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount ofgoods totaling a great deal of money.The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn 't been paid. Thecollections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can 'tship your new order until you pay for the last one. "The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can 't wait that long. "

Two Italian construction workers...
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money? "pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don 't know, go ask him. " So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money? " The supervisor says "Intelligence ". Guido says "what is this intelligence? " The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita myhand as hard as you can! " Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays "That 's intelligence ". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says "Hey what did he say? " With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . . "

Some things never change
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week. "I told her I 'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it 'll be $600 a week. "

Wrong floor
Two accountants were discussing a colleague 's interest in one of the firm 's new secretaries. "I just don 't get it. " said one. "She 's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs. "That may be true, " replied the other, "but I don 't think that 's the floor he 's getting off on. "

A middle manager is called into his bosses office...
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by thenext Monday. "Downsizing. "He 's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and itdoesn 't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying tofigure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jillstanding at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it 's going to beone of them. "He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He 'sin a quandary. It 's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have tothink about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack andJill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. "Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don 't look so good. Is everythingokay? "He looks at her and says "To be honest, I 'm having a tough time here. Ican 't decide if I should lay you or Jack off. "And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggestyou jack off.

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Are Not
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren 't I need you to whip it out by 5:00! Mind if I use your laptop? Put this in my box before you leave. I want it on my desk now! Hmm.. I think I 'm out of fluid. My equipment 's so old, it takes forever to finish! It 's an entry level position. When do you think you 'll be getting off today? It 's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!

Saving the situation
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened? " "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, " replied the wife. "Piss on him, " answered the husband. "You did, " said the wife, "and he fired you. " "Well, fuck him, " said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning. "

Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary...
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open. " He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith, " he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ? " "Why no sir, " she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags. "

After working together for a while...
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane 's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time! " To which Jane replies "If I 'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose! "

Bank Teller
Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account ". "Please sir ", she replies, "we can 't have language like that in here. " "Why the Fuck not? " he asked. "Sir, " Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing. " "I don 't give a shit what you want, " he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account. " With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes ", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account. " The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time? "

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away...
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I 'm sorry, he 's dead, " was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it. "

A very modest lady applied for a job...
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls ". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn 't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles. "

Calling in Sick....
Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner 's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife 's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! " she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. " "You know where the button is. " I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself! " "I am scared! " She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in? " Pause. "C 'mon, it 'll only take a second. " No logical assurance about how a disposal can 't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia, " a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I 'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn 't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ( "Buttons " aka "the Grater ") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight " syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight " option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What 's the matter, cat got your tongue? " If they had only known.

As the end of the day drew near...
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ? " he asked. "Sure ! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "

Equally qualified
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we 've decided to give the American the job. "Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job! "Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed. "Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? "Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don 't know. ' You put down 'Neither do I. ' "

The most painful part
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball? "She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change. "The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off? " "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part. " "Was it when they cut off your balls? " "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part. " "What was the most painful part? " "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half! "

The Yuppette had risen to executive level...
The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers. "Now that 's entirely false. " she cried. "I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice. "

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him...
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I 've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, " he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up. "Nine hands went up. "Why didn 't you put your hand up? " he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble, " came the reply.

Three envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don 't think you can solve, " he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits 's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. " The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes. "

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve...
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don 't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can 't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don 't want them to know it.

Time to quit
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do youknow what time we quit around here ? " he asked. "Sure ! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door. "

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth...
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about...
When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.Top management discusses golf.Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.