How To Give Your Cat a Pill
How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That 's a nice kitty. " Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat 's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat 's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won 't be able to see what you 're doing. That 's just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you 're a woman, have a good cry. If you 're a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who 's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who 's the boss here, anyway? " Open cat 's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!9. This isn 't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat 's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat 's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat 's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It 's done.17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat 's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Man and wife at the zoo
It 's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She 's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he 's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache. "

Hungry Snake
Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then hehappened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beerdown his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

A veterinarian surgeon...
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet? " asked an elderly lady 's voice. "Yes, it is ", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency? " "Well, sort of ", said the elderly lady, "there 's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can 't get to sleep. What can I do about it? " There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they 're wanted on the phone " "Really? " said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them? " "Should do, " said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME! "

Tarzania
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance "What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance?Nothing. He doesn 't recognize them.What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance? "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time! "

Tarzania II
What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?An elephant is grey.What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look! A herd of plums in the distance " (Jane is colorblind)

Elephants
How do you get four elephants into a Mini?Two in the front, two in the back.

Elephants II
What game do four elephants in a mini play?Squash

Elephants III
How do you get an elephant into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Insert elephant.3. Close door.How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Remove elephant.3. Insert giraffe.4. Close door.How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?The door won 't close.How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?There 'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?By the footprints in the butter.

Elephants IV
How do you get an elephant out of the water?Wet.How do you get two elephants out of the water?One by one.

Elephants V
Why do elephants live in herds?To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Elephants VI
How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch ".

Elephants VII
What do you do when an elephant comes through the window? Swim for it...

Elephants VIII
What has two grey legs and two brown legs?An elephant with diarrhea.What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?Lots of room!

The best book on elephants
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire. "The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account. "The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant 's Ear. "The Americans submited an article from "Money " magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s "Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they 're better than People "The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant "And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant. "But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn 't you want to buy a Honda instead "

A miserable rooster
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about? "The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain 't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other. "

A horse and a rabbit
A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can 't be found. He drives the farmer 's Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole! " So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pullyourself up. " And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don 't need aMercedes!

A dog walks into a butcher shop...
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it 'shis turn to be waited on.A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today.The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds? " The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else? " The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, "How many? " The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops.The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog 's neck.The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That 's areally smart dog you have there. " "He 's not really all that smart, " the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key. "

Punishment that fits the crime
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is apoodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here? "The schnauzer responds, "I 'm 17 years old. I don 't see or hear very well.I 've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I 'm too old and sickso he brought me here to be put to sleep. "The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here? "The poodle responds, "I 've not been myself lately. I 've been especially highstrung. I 've been barking all the time, I 've been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the neighbor 's kids. Nobody knows why this has beenhappening. My owner says he can 't risk me biting somebody else so he broughtme here to be put to sleep. "The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterdayshe was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took overand the next thing I know I 'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. Icouldn 't help myself. "The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep? " "Oh, no...., I 'm just here to get my nails trimmed. "

Pray hard
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing. " "What do they say? " the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we 're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun? " "That 's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, "I can see why youare embarrassed. " He thought a minute and then said, "You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrotswhom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them inthe cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrotsto praise and worship. I 'm sure your parrots will stop sayingthat...that phrase in no time. " "Thank you, " the womanresponded, "this may very well be the solution. " The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest 'shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed outin unison, "Hi, we 're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun? "There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck...
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I 'm saying? " asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? " "Yes, " motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. " "What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana? " "Yes. " "What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. " "They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you 're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. " "Yes. " "What were you doing during all this? " "Driving " motioned the monkey.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother...
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma? " asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor. " They 're just like people, aren 't they Grandma? " said the little one. "How do you mean? " asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand, " said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime! "

German Shepard on Golf Course
German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

Footless Parrot
Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he 's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch? " The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy. " The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot. " The parrot says "Of course, I 'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish. " The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for. " The parrot says "There 's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I 'll bet he 'll sell me. " The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A 's won, the Giant 's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door. " The guy says "What 's up? " The parrot says "I don 't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips. " The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion. " The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts. " The guy says "He did??! " The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts. " The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!! " The parrot says "I don 't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch. "

A dangerous job
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? " the service guy asks. "Boy, " is the man 's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I 'll be right there, " says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I 'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla 's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him. " The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun? " The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua. "

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle...
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant 's tail, really hard.Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that? " the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason, " the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory! " exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep! " said the elephant. "I 've got Turtle-Recall. "

A robber was robbing a house...
A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you! " "who 's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What 's your name, " the robber asked. "Cocodora " said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora " said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus ", said the parrot.

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking...
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I 'll run into one on purpose and as it 's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times. " And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That 's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it. " And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going? " The third mouse stops and replies, "I 'm going home to fuck the cat. "

A blind man is standing at the corner...
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants? " "Yes, I 'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit ", replies the blind man. "Well, it 's none of my business, " says the onlooker, "but you 're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit! " To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I 'm not rewarding him. I 'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass! "

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement...
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse 's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don 't be afraid, darling, " said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this. " "Get out of here! " cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you! "

Wife comes home to find the old man...
Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. "My God Henry ", she screams, "I know you 've had other woman but this time you 've gone too far! " "You may be right " he says, "I think I 'm stuck. ".